A Little Tired

Painted-face.jpg

I’m feeling a little tired. A lot tired really. Tired of these glimmering fantasy lives portrayed on social media. Tired of the (seeming) saturation of shiny crystals and Bali retreats and cacao everything and advanced yoga poses, and mysteriously artistic photographs and THINGS. So many things. Things to buy, things to think about, things to compare yourself to. I’m tired of personal commercials (which I guess is the whole point of social media in the first place.)

I’m just tired. Overstimulated. Undernourished. Tired of juggling hypersensitivity with spontaneous soul shedding and daily “chores” of living and work and maintaining relationships. And most of all, trying to keep my shit together all of the time. Tired of misconstrued perceptions and feeling reactive and absorbing other people’s energy out in the default world.

I used to love going to “transformational” festivals simply for the opportunities to bask in random cuddle puddles of vulnerable glittered hippies having heart felt conversations with mycelium induced happy cries that life is going to be okay. That these inner and outer turmoils are but a passing bubble in the ocean of life. Shit just feels so serious and so heavy all the damn time. The hidden treasures of messages and lessons feels exhausting. And I am just so tired of trying to contain all of it.

This month I made a commitment to myself. And out of all people, I know that my commitment to things wavers. It can be so incredibly strong and flowing and in the next moment fizzled out into nothingness. Today marks the 19th day of consecutively meditating each night before bed with an additional sprinkle here and there after my yoga classes. Sometimes a pranayama meditation, sometimes just a mindful breathing meditation, other times a lovingkindness style meditation. And thank all of creation for the blessing of this thing called meditation. Its like a cushion building workshop for the mind. And each day I feel like I am adding more stuffing to the cushion, so that when those moments of pressure engage, the cushion allows the mind to observe what is being triggered and provides a moment’s pause before reacting.

I can say that, with continued practice and elongation of the time that I spend in meditation, that the cushion will no doubt continue to get bigger to the point that there may not be a reaction anymore, but instead a deep awareness of the body’s neurological response to external stimuli.

Perseverance and remembering to be easy on myself. I’ll add those to the commitments for this month (and going forward, always going forward).

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