Dear 2020 (a revision),

Maybe it’s too soon to generalize, or to say anything, and maybe what I am feeling is fleeting (though it feels like quicksand, so I dunno)

I’ve spent plenty of time in the dark realms of the psyche and digging into the cavernous spaces of my own ancestral pains both personal and collective. I’ve willingly, curiously, and hell — excitingly followed Spirit deeper and further into the darkness. And truth be told, I like the dark excavations when they’re internal.

Cue Act II, Scene 2020 though… waking world cave dives.

Listen to this while reading, it sets the mood.

Its been an interesting journey in just this one week of high alert, “shelter-in-place”, “social distancing” COVID-19 stuff. I haven’t done a lot of sitting with myself. Instead I’ve been ingesting everyone else’s ideas and POVs from the ‘gram, which initially sent me into a whirlwind of confusion.

Being a huge empath and subjecting myself to other people’s opinions (which so generously flooded social media almost instantly following the amped up advisories), I found myself quickly and involuntarily absorbing and assuming these opinions as my own. A rollercoaster of incarnations happening by the hour!

Journey with me…

Day 1:

Fleeting fantasies: Fuck yes! Freedom, no work; just what I’ve been calling in. Free time! To spend reading in bed, drinking coffee leisurely in some dreamy place, morning dance seshes to house music overlooking vast jungles, writing, visioning, singing mantras, art, flow!

Reality reel: Morning scroll. Get in (a massively long) line at Trader Joe’s before they open. Scramble to buy provisions. End up with hella random items. Go home. Mid-day scroll. “Celebrate this free time! Work on all your projects, read, do an online yoga class, home workouts, get out into nature, draw, paint, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Become really anxious. Shut down.

Day 2:

Fleeting fantasies: Yay, my partner gets to stay home! What can we do together? Chill? Do nothing? Relax? Maybe we’ll pick up the instruments. *Endless possibilities* Oh yeah! Gotta record a great class for tonight’s online viewers, kewl.

Reality reel: Ok I guess I’ll muster a home workout. Procrastinates for 2 hours. Workout. Scroll. “You do not need to be doing anything with this time. This is a time of high stress, a threat on humanity. Don’t do anything.” Swirling thoughts. “Fuck, I committed to doing a recorded class for the yoga studio. Ugh. I hate online presence and online things. I hate recordings.” Records several takes. Picks apart everything about self in the video. Picks a fight with partner. 8pm? Time to put my ass to sleep.

Day 3:

Fleeting fantasies: Alone time! This should be good. Recollect myself, reflect on how I’m actually feeling. Remember and channel what I used to do with a lot of alone time at home.

Reality reel: Guess I’ll hit the store again, we could use some provision replenishment. Pastry. Coffee. Anxious again (I’m thinking this is a theme). Friends come over, some life is restored. A minute blip of creative flow. Still feeling like I’m sinking in quicksand. Scroll. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. This time of pause is rewiring us from the automation of the work week and work schedule. It’s okay to feel confused.” Sees others affirming their inability to be in it with this 5G bullshit. Feels validated. Underlying tension ensues.

Day 4: Spring Equinox, hurrah!

Fleeting fantasies: Ok, here we are. Another day, another opportunity. I’m gonna go for a run.

Reality reel: Gets in a solid workout. Sun, yes! Inspired. “Maybe I’ll record some yoga stuff or a meditation. Yeah! Drum? Mantra? Impromptu mantra drum jam? Sure!” Records video, gives no shits, lets Divine fallibility and humor be medicine. Zoom call with long distance friend? Ok! Spring Equinox hangs with bestie in nature? Ok! Drop-ins on the COVID rollercoaster. Nourishing sister time. Kuan Yin Tarot readings (on point!). Freesias. YAAAAAAS! Zoom Herbalist class on Immunity and COVID prevention? Grateful AFFFF.

The Mantra Drum Jam Sesh

Day 5:

Currently: Read in bed. Yerba Mate. Writing this (finally!). Adaptogen Cacao latte. Kitty snuggle time. Sunny bed hangz.

THANK You Creator! Dark dives to find the light. I see you! I honor you! Wahe guru!

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