Winter Solstice

We are entering into the dark abyss, can you feel it?

Readying ourselves for an astringent scrubbing of our deep inner cave’s walls. Where stories upon stories have been etched into the strata with the fingers and blood of our ancestral lineage. The murky waters clouded with healed and healing healings, rising to the top releasing its steam through our eyes. Our bodies inundated with the remembrance of suffering; of the illusions that tricked our minds into believing that our experiences are devoid of love.

The Spirit of Love is a tricky one, a jester of sorts. Holding mirrors at all angles, tickling you to look, to look into all of the mirrors at once. To look upwards and downwards, and leftwards and rightwards, and upsidedownways and rightsideupways; until you see it. Sometimes it takes (in the human measurement of time) seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years, or maybe never at all.

And on the Winter Solstice every year, if you have chosen to look, to open your eye (not the two, but the one eye) even just once … the jester will come traipsing through to lead you down and down again into the cave, the rabbit hole if you will, to review, remember, reevaluate.

So many themes of healing and truth became visible to me this year. And thank god that I chose to open my eye, just that one time however many years ago; because once it looked, it did not lose its ability to see. In fact, its sight grew stronger, swifter, deeper.

When I feel most embodied by Spirit, and when my sense of sight feels ever strong, I can feel, literally feel, the DNA of my maternal grandmother vibrating within me. She has guided me so much into this journey of unraveling and healing, and learning once again how to love. And my oh my am I taken aback every. single. time. something is finally seen. Mirrors that have been held there for YEARS are finally able to shift their perspective; alas to reveal yet another reflection.

…for those of us willing and strong and soft and vulnerable and sensitive enough to continue to bear the weight of these opportunities to heal again and again and again and again with no end in sight, there is a deep knowing that this work in the Light realm is worth it. Even if it feels like a meat grinder and the dark blades of death could lacerate us at any moment.

And after all, isn’t that the thrill of it anyway?

A Little Tired

Painted-face.jpg

I’m feeling a little tired. A lot tired really. Tired of these glimmering fantasy lives portrayed on social media. Tired of the (seeming) saturation of shiny crystals and Bali retreats and cacao everything and advanced yoga poses, and mysteriously artistic photographs and THINGS. So many things. Things to buy, things to think about, things to compare yourself to. I’m tired of personal commercials (which I guess is the whole point of social media in the first place.)

I’m just tired. Overstimulated. Undernourished. Tired of juggling hypersensitivity with spontaneous soul shedding and daily “chores” of living and work and maintaining relationships. And most of all, trying to keep my shit together all of the time. Tired of misconstrued perceptions and feeling reactive and absorbing other people’s energy out in the default world.

I used to love going to “transformational” festivals simply for the opportunities to bask in random cuddle puddles of vulnerable glittered hippies having heart felt conversations with mycelium induced happy cries that life is going to be okay. That these inner and outer turmoils are but a passing bubble in the ocean of life. Shit just feels so serious and so heavy all the damn time. The hidden treasures of messages and lessons feels exhausting. And I am just so tired of trying to contain all of it.

This month I made a commitment to myself. And out of all people, I know that my commitment to things wavers. It can be so incredibly strong and flowing and in the next moment fizzled out into nothingness. Today marks the 19th day of consecutively meditating each night before bed with an additional sprinkle here and there after my yoga classes. Sometimes a pranayama meditation, sometimes just a mindful breathing meditation, other times a lovingkindness style meditation. And thank all of creation for the blessing of this thing called meditation. Its like a cushion building workshop for the mind. And each day I feel like I am adding more stuffing to the cushion, so that when those moments of pressure engage, the cushion allows the mind to observe what is being triggered and provides a moment’s pause before reacting.

I can say that, with continued practice and elongation of the time that I spend in meditation, that the cushion will no doubt continue to get bigger to the point that there may not be a reaction anymore, but instead a deep awareness of the body’s neurological response to external stimuli.

Perseverance and remembering to be easy on myself. I’ll add those to the commitments for this month (and going forward, always going forward).

No Excuses November

meditateUpon waking up, tasks and to-dos seem to plague my mind almost instantaneously. After the work day, all I want to do is reward myself with “doing nothing” or “relaxing” by scrolling through social media. This inevitably and without fail leads to these unnecessary thoughts of comparison and ‘not-good-enough’-ness or the feeling of failing myself yet again. While the heaviness of those feelings is palpable, it often does not motivate me to shift the patterns of behavior, which continue day after day. It isn’t until I am grasping so excessively outside myself for fulfillment, satisfaction, happiness, and finally for help, that I realize how far off the rails I have gone from my personal practice. This is not a new observation, but this time around I feel more of a calling to cease this sort of “bandaid” approach and actually enact in something sustainable and worthwhile. At this moment, I am feeling motivated (hence this first post on the website I vowed I would create before the end of the year). With the help of my partner’s motivation and belief in me, along with my own self-awareness that I am really hurting without a daily practice, I will be striving to achieve a month’s worth (or more!) of meditation everyday. There will not be a constraint on how long, or how, or when, or where. The goal is to simply to meditate; and as the month progresses, perhaps there will be an extension of time and a purposeful task such as specific breath-work or chanting mantra, but for now baby steps. This ‘patch-it’ methodology of taking time to settle my mind, a method that I have been swirling in for the last 7 years, is readying retirement. I know that this is necessary for the greater growth of who I am, and who I am excavating from the depths of my being.